On the Journey of Becoming Myself
Writing was for me always an excuse for escaping, to withdraw, to hide.
I started at the age of 12 when I found out about poetry. I write in different forms since then: poems, screenplays, novels, and essays.
Contrary to what many might think when hearing my reasons for writing, I wasn’t exactly the shy and kind type I wanted to be.
Since a young age, there were always two very strong and yet opposite versions of myself. There was the bold, at times bully, ambitious, rebel side of me who questioned rules and authorities, being never afraid of voicing out my opinions - even when risky or controversial - and wanted to lead with a brave and determined spirit.
On the other side, I starved for rules and tried to be as obedient as possible to the ones who were given trust; I wanted to look intelligent to get approval from others and therefore make more friends; I was also extremely sensitive and so frugal things could move me immediately and burst me in tears. Like a kid being gentle with a dog, or some random person smiling at me on the street, or a very well-made birthday card (yep!)
On either side, I felt that I was always at the extreme. And to a certain extent, I guess I secretly liked my complexity too, with all my sides. However, the environment I grew up in wanted to toughen me up, and so I believed I needed to. I remember one teacher saying once at the parent-school meeting: “You know, she is great: sensitive and intelligent. But sometimes she is so heavy that is just too much”.
And I mean, when you are a kid, how could it be otherwise? Kids and teenagers are a bunch of energy and unlocked potential. They have all that power and beauty in their hands and don’t understand or know how to use it, or what it means. Too many times adults forget how confusing and difficult feels to grow up as a kid and discover who you are.
Instead, I spent my youth and full energy nurturing and cultivating my personality and identity around only specific traits and values, like perfectionism, ambition, performance, and morals. I turned out to be someone that at the end of the day I could hardly be happy with, and not because there was something wrong with those traits. But because I neglected the possibility to be vulnerable, unless through writing, since it was the only way I could express myself and my emotions.
Until the day arrived when looking at myself in the mirror, and not recognizing at all who I was, where I was heading, who I wanted to be, I couldn’t either accept that I was so lost.
So, I decided to take action and try my best to change the situation.
On my journey to finding myself, I struggled - and I still do a lot - on embracing all those sides of me, accepting them, and becoming the better version of myself. Or instead, becoming every day a bit more like my true self.
Writing was for me always an excuse for escaping, to withdraw, to hide. And to a certain extent still is. But it evolved to the current day to be an opportunity to come up to the light, to share, to give back.
The journey is ongoing, and even though each one’s journey is different and leads to unexpected places, I still hope you can be part of it, reading what I learned from every step, connecting with the community, and getting the tools and inspiration to find your true self as well.
Wherever you’re headed, always remember to stay kind and meaningful in your own beautiful journey!
