Breaking Patterns: Healing Misunderstanding
A list of tools to understand and navigate them
Photo by @Ben White
The other day, while discussing a hot sociocultural topic in the family chat, a trivial misunderstanding escalated rapidly into a bigger conflict, causing all parties to hold hard feelings for days.
What most bothered me wasn't the misunderstanding itself - since often they are inevitable, especially when communicating in written form and it gets hard to read the intentions - but the emotional effect left in the long term.
Since early in my life, I have had hardship dealing with the consequences of misunderstanding and the emotional mark they often leave.
Even though every case is unique, and we all have different ways of reacting to it, multiple studies have found a strong relationship between misunderstanding and its negative outcomes in various contexts, considering them one of the major causes of conflicts.
Misunderstandings can happen every time communication is involved, such as in interpersonal relationships, work environments, and other aspects of daily life. Many studies and research in psychology, sociology, and communication show us how misunderstandings can impact individuals, groups, and entire communities, carrying weight on whole societies.
I soon enough realized - at least - misunderstandings were the cause of the conflicts in any of my relationships, and - if I wanted to break the patterns - I needed to dive deeper into this phenomenon and understand the whys and hows.
Misunderstandings can happen to any of us, and sometimes we can’t avoid them. However, we can learn to individuate the causes and where they come from, how to behave when they happen, and how to handle the emotional consequences they have on us.
Hopefully, with time - and awareness - navigating them will become easier.
“Misunderstanding: a failure to understand or interpret something correctly; a mistake as to the meaning or significance of something.”
The etymology of the word “misunderstanding” is pretty self-explanatory; it comes in two parts:
- the prefix “mis-” which is from the German “bad, wrong”
- and the verb “understand” which makes the word meaning “wrongly comprehended”
When we mistake one’s intentions or the meaning of something - whether by a sentence, a text, or a gesture - we do have to deal later on with a series of consequences:
External/Practical ones (poor performance at work, disconnected relationships, etc.)
Internal/Emotional ones (challenging emotions, fears, etc.)
Both of them have a clear impact on our lives.
External/Practical
Consequences
Relationship problems: leading to mistrust;
Workplace problems: causing problems such as decreased productivity, decreased job satisfaction, and even termination. A study by Tannen in 1990 found that misunderstandings between people in the workplace often resulted in conflict and dissatisfaction; while a study by the International Association for Conflict Management found that poor communication is the primary cause of workplace conflict;
Conflicts: when not constructive, whether a disagreement with a friend or a major dispute between countries, can often lead to violence. The study "Communication and Miscommunication in Conflict Situations" by Herbert Kelman (1981) - explores the mechanisms of communication breakdown in conflict situations and how misunderstandings can arise and escalate into violence.
Note: Not all conflicts are destructive, violent, and negative. It is possible nowadays to access tools for constructive conflict, helping to deal with a challenging topic or disagreement with respectful communication, empathy, and collaboration.
Internal/Emotional
consequences
Communication breakdown: making it difficult to convey information and ideas and make decisions. A study by the University of Cambridge found that communication breakdown was the most common cause of project failure;
Negative emotions: such as frustration, anger, and disappointment, affecting our daily life and overall mental health.
but why do they hurt us?
Why do misunderstandings have such power to hurt us?
Being misunderstood can be hurtful because it can make us feel invalidated or dismissed, or in other words, not heard. When someone misunderstands us, it can feel like they are not taking the time to truly understand our thoughts, feelings, or intentions. This can make us feel unimportant or invisible.
Additionally - as mentioned earlier as well - being misunderstood can damage the trust in relationships since we tend to feel disconnected from the other person, making it harder to resolve any issues that arise.
A starting point is to not take it personally (yeah, I know it’s easier to say than doing it), but trying to recognize the causes of the misunderstanding, more than immediately feeling a personal attack.
There are many potential causes of misunderstanding, but some of the most common include:
Language and cultural differences
Different cultures may have different norms, values, and ways of communicating, and those differences interact. A study by Gudykunst in 2003 found that communication problems were common in conflicts between people from different cultural backgrounds.
I live daily in this reality since my international family carries a big cultural package impossible to ignore, where words mean different things, and often we are unaware of how to express ourselves the best.When communicating with a person from a different culture, be aware that expressing ourselves in a different language might be challenging. Be open and curious to ask what they mean more than assuming the meaning.
Communication barriers
This can happen when the language or the message is unclear or not accurately communicated; or when nonverbal cues are misinterpreted.Different perspectives
We are all unique, and so are our thoughts, opinions, and values. People may interpret the same message or event differently based on their unique experiences, beliefs, and perspectives.Always enter any human interaction with an open mind. You don’t have to necessarily agree with opinions far from your values, but empathetic listening towards the other will make us feel closer to them and also unlock a deeper understanding of the other person's perspectives.
Assumptions
As humans, we often tend to make assumptions about what others are thinking or feeling, leading to misunderstandings when those assumptions are not accurate.If you are in doubt, ask and give the opportunity to the other person to reformulate their thoughts before assuming what they mean.
Emotions
Strong emotions can cloud judgment and make it difficult to understand or interpret what others are saying. How many times do we have a “bad day” and tend to be more sensitive or aggressive? Some less, some more, we are all emotional beings and that will always affect not only the way we speak but also the way we listen.I am a highly emotional person and I face everyday challenges to leave my emotional waves out of my interactions, both at work and in personal relationships. The people who deal with me daily learn the pattern and don’t read hidden messages behind my communication. However, communication is a skill that everybody can learn and shape with practice. With a good dose of self-awareness gained in the past years, I am able to recognize when it’s the moment I should cool down and when it’s a green pass to vent.
Technology
With the increasing use of technology to communicate, misunderstandings can occur due to misinterpretation of text-based communication, and lack of nonverbal cues.
How to deal with misunderstandings?
A study conducted by Mark Landau and Kristin Hahn in 2010, titled Conflict, Communication, and Misperception, enlighted the role of misunderstandings by measuring their impact with a series of experiments. The authors concluded that effective communication is the key factor in preventing and resolving conflict and that misunderstandings should be addressed early on to prevent escalation.
I was never a fan of avoiding challenges and neither conflicts. The wisest choice is always knowing how to use the tools to deal with challenging situations like misunderstandings.
Of course, we can prevent them. The best way is to be aware of these common causes and, at the same time, the possible outcomes they can cause. Whether it's at work, in a relationship, with family members, or with strangers, you can always approach this set of tools to manage them.
WHAT TO DO IN THE MOMENT A MISUNDERSTANDING ARISE?
Listen actively and clarify
Make sure to fully understand the other person's perspective before responding. Listening carefully to them will help you identify any areas of confusion or misinterpretation. Try to avoid assumptions, but also to interrupt them before they even have finished speaking. After, ask questions or restate the information to confirm that you understand it correctly.Trust and communicate openly
Be honest and transparent in your communication. If you realize you have made a mistake or contributed to a misunderstanding, admit it and take responsibility for your actions. Try not to take it personally. Most likely, the other person is having feelings very similar to yours. Give them trust and the opportunity to hear you.Seek feedback
Ask for feedback from others to get their perspective on the situation. This can help you identify any misunderstandings and take steps to resolve them. Also, feedback will give you extra tools to recognize patterns and awareness to prevent misunderstandings in the future. A good question would be: How do you think I should have said it better not to be misunderstood?Be respectful and open-minded
Being willing to consider other perspectives and be open to new information will help you find common ground and reach a solution. When entering any conversation, always acknowledge we all have different opinions, and even when disagreeing, respect the other person's feelings, and avoid becoming defensive or aggressive.Take a break and come back later
If the situation becomes too heated, it may be best to take a break and come back to the conversation later when emotions have cooled down. This will also help you to recognize where to draw your boundaries and that sometimes it is preferable to be patient and resolve a conflict with a clearer mind.Agree to disagree
Not always there’s a common ground or a solution to a disagreement. We don’t have to agree on everything. Diversity is a gift because each of us can bring value to the table thanks to those different perspectives and opinions. Accepting those differences will help us to move on with peace of mind and feel less hurt by the entire experience.
WHAT TO DO TO EMOTIONALLY HEAL
AFTER A MISUNDERSTANDING?
Practice self-compassion
Be kind and understanding towards yourself. Be merciful towards your flaws, try to accept them, and don't expect others to understand you perfectly. Remember that misunderstandings are a common part of human interaction and it's not always a reflection of your worth as a person.Communicate your feelings (BUT DON’T ACCUSE!)
When the storm calms down, and if you care for the relationship with the other person, share your feelings about the misunderstanding with them later on. Expressing your emotions can help you to feel heard and understood. However, be mindful of the “accusing trap”. Often we tend to victimize ourselves and consider others responsible for our emotions. When communicating your feelings, don’t be afraid of being vulnerable. It will show the person that you give them trust.
Practice mindfulness
Take a few deep breaths and focus on the present moment. This can help you to stay calmer and centered when facing a misunderstanding in the future.Seek for support
Talk to a friend or trusted one about your feelings. They can offer you a different perspective and emotional support, and also, guide you toward self-awareness.Learn from it, but also let go
Try to learn from the misunderstanding. What could have been done differently? How can you communicate better next time?
Because of my fear of being misunderstood, I often feel pressure to communicate.
”What if they won’t get it? What if I express myself wrongly? What if I can’t say clearly my intentions?”
With time, this type of pressure made my communication skills poorer, and only letting go of the fear made me a better communicator.
Trying to break down the phenomenon of misunderstanding, its causes, and its effects hopefully will unlock a new level of awareness on how we can manage the effects on our emotions.
Even though we can’t always avoid misunderstandings because bonded to communication and interactions, they can be prevented by being aware of the causes and their possible negative outcomes.
The set of tools provided in this article helped me in my journey toward healthier communication and self-care.
Many times it still gets challenging, but practicing active listening, clarifying, and apologizing helped me take responsibility for my emotions, set boundaries, and find ways to repair relationships as the key factors to deal not only with miscommunication situations. As Brenè Brown once said:
I am here to get it right, not be right.
Learning how to deal with misunderstandings can also teach us to communicate our feelings and seek support when needed, be vulnerable, and be courageous to get it right. By practicing self-compassion, reframing the situation, and learning from it, you can reduce the emotional impact of misunderstandings and build a more meaningful relationship with others and yourself.
Trust the process, and remember to stay kind and meaningful in your own beautiful journey! 🌱
